Exhale
by Lavenderangel
Summary: "This wasn't a crisis. No, that was over and done with. This was just the aftermath, when she had to figure out how to knit herself back together." Callie has a delayed reaction to the events of 2x08.


Author's notes: This is just a short tag for 2x08. Lena and Callie's relationship (or lack thereof) has always intrigued me, and I wanted to challenge myself to write something without a Stef cameo. Considering how often she's mentioned, I don't think I exactly succeeded. Huge thanks to Tunedtochords for betaing, any remaining mistakes are all on me.

XXX

It started with burnt toast.

Callie had been on route for her own snack when the smell had hit her. She'd jumped the last three stairs, sprinting into the kitchen, only to find Jude slathering jelly on blackened bread. The scent was nothing like burning wood, but it made her hands clammy all the same.

"There's more," he offered, holding up the jar of skippy. "See? I even got Stef to buy _real _peanut butter!"

She shook her head, jogging back the way she had come, suddenly desperate to scour Facebook for the third time in half an hour. She would have thought cole would have checked in by now, but she had only the stench of toast for company.

Which led her here, creeping down the stairs five hours later, hoping no one would find her losing it. This wasn't about the toast, or Jesus using the last of the hot water before bed. No, she had nothing but her own screwed up brain to thank for this.

She walked into the kitchen without turning on any lights, tripping on a stool and slamming an elbow into the island. The burst of pain helped her head to clear, and for the first time in what felt like hours, she managed a full inhale. "Get it together," she ordered her distorted reflection, which glared defiantly back at her from the toaster. "This is just a panic attack, it's not a big deal." It wasn't as dramatic as the last time, but she could still recognize the signs. Her heart was beating too fast, her skin feeling too tight. Mariana had dropped something while brushing her teeth, and it had nearly sent her over the edge into full-on hysterics. When she'd found herself staring at the minutes changing on her phone for half an hour straight, Callie knew sleep was a total lost cause.

Jude had forgotten to close the bread bag, and she put it away automatically, still muttering instructions under her breath. Movement seemed to be helping more than her godawful pep talk, so she washed the few dishes in the sink while bouncing on the balls of her feet. That done, she unlocked the back door, sucking in a long gulp of night air.

Stupid foster care! If she had been adopted back in March like they'd planned, she could have her license already. The ocean air would feel so much better than motionless suburban, but there was no way for her to get there. Fleetingly, she thought of calling Wyatt. She'd pay for gas, for breakfast, for anything he wanted, if he would just promise to come pick her up.

God, no, that was a terrible idea. For one thing, they were on a break. For another, he would expect answers to questions she wasn't allowing herself to ask, like what she was supposed to do if these panic attacks were becoming a regular thing. She had learned months ago that Wyatt wasn't the person you wanted during a crisis. Not that this was a crisis. No, that was over and done with. This was just the aftermath, when she had to figure out how to knit herself back together.

Sinking onto the porch swing, she nudged it into motion with her bare big toe, staring listlessly out at the backyard and pretending it was the shoreline. She inhaled as she moved backward, exhaled as she swung forward. In front of her, the lawn turned into Rita's determined face as she bent over Becka, both of them backlit by smoke. Her eyes filled, and Callie drew her knees to her chest, stifling a sob in the hem of her tank top.

Warmth wafted across her cheeks, and she jerked her head up, only to find Lena standing in front of her, holding out two mugs.

"Peppermint or chamomile?" She asked, in that calm, quiet tone that Callie had thought only reserved for Jude. She shook her head, throat too full for a reply. "Chamomile it is."

Lena sat down without being asked, taking a long pull from her own mug, and Callie knew the reprimands would start at any second. For being up this late, or maybe just for leaving the house. After all, wasn't that what their relationship was about? Lena had expectations, and she failed them.

She had gradually grown to understand Stef over the last few months. Stef wore her heart on her sleeve, unlike Lena, who was impossible for her to read. Callie could count the number of conversations she'd shared with Lena since her return from Girls United on one hand, and have fingers to spare. Rationally, she knew Lena _wanted _her here, Callie just wasn't sure she actually _liked_ her all that much.

To her immense relief, Lena stayed silent, sipping her tea and staring into the middle distance. Tentatively, Callie set the swing in motion again, holding her mug in both hands and breathing in the steam. It wasn't as calming as she imagined the ocean to be, but she was no longer seeing windows shattering or choking on phantom flames.

"If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?" When had she earned the right to hear Lena's soothing voice? She wasn't sure, but she was answering before she had time to think about it.

"The beach." Her voice came out steady, though she belatedly realized that tears were splashing into her tea. "There's so much water, and I just… I wish I had it."

"For the fire?" Lena edged close enough for her to smell the mint wafting off her mug. Their shoulders bumped, but Callie didn't move away.

"No, I know they were able to put that out. I just… I think the waves would help me."

Lena's hand found her knee, and when she spoke, her own voice was thick. "I'd be back at the lake near where your brother and I camped. I watched the sunrise over it every morning."

Apparently, her best heart-to-hearts with the moms happened when they were both crying. Carefully, she clasped Lena's hand. "That sounds really beautiful," she whispered, because it was the tiniest bit better than "I'm sorry."

Lena interlaced their fingers, sniffing once. "Sometimes, our minds wait a while before reminding us we were hurt."

"But, I _wasn't _hurt." It was almost like a reflex, arguing with anything Lena said. Callie braced herself for the loss of contact, for Lena to get up and leave her, but it never happened.

"Did you know that mom called me for an hour after she picked you up? I don't think either of us got any sleep for the rest of the night."

"What?" She turned her head, looking at Lena directly for the first time since she'd sat down. "I mean, I know she checked on me a couple of times, but— I don't get it, she knew I was safe…"

"She _knew_, but she was still scared. She can't do anything to help you, just like she can't do anything for me." Tears entered Lena's voice again, and Callie suddenly understood that feeling of powerlessness.

She wanted to be okay, for Stef's sake as much as her own. For a while, she had honestly believed she was. Her worries felt so insignificant, but she couldn't turn them off, no matter how much she tried. "I feel so selfish," she whispered into her tea.

There was an awful stretch of silence, before her mug was abruptly plucked from her fingers. Lena set the cups down at their feet, her arm settling around Callie's shoulders as she sat back up. A sob shook them both, but Callie couldn't say who it came from. Somehow, it was easier to cry when you weren't doing it alone.

"You were very brave last night." Lena dropped a kiss into her hair, and just like that, she was crying even harder. "Stupid, but so very brave. Mom is a terrible influence on you."

Even though Lena was practically holding her, it took everything she had to twist around and hug her in return. "Guess it's a good thing I have you to even things out, huh?" She asked the collar of her nightgown, when she had breath enough to speak.

"Damn right." Lena crooked a finger under her chin, but the intensity she was going for was ruined by the fact she was still crying. "Don't you forget it." Callie wiped a stray tear from Lena's cheek, and they shared a shaky smile.

They stayed there until the sun came up, sometimes talking, but mostly being. She watched Lena's eyes close as the sky brightened, feeling more peaceful than she had in weeks. Soon, there would be movement in the kitchen, Stef no doubt coming down to start coffee and figure out where Lena had disappeared to. If she were still awake, Callie would go in and tell her she loved her in the best round about way she could manage.

She suspected Lena already knew.

XXX

Author's notes: If Callie seems unusually hard on Lena, it was my way of addressing the fact these two have had very few one-on-one scenes since the beginning of season one. In fact, I think the only kid who we've seen consistently interacting with either mom is Brandon. Plus, come on, this is Callie. You know that girl has a list of insecurities a mile long. No group hugs are going to magically change that.


End file.
